Going through a divorce is stressful to say the least. If you are like most women, you are left feeling unsettled and vulnerable. Whatever the reasons were that you and your partner decided to split, it’s time to press on, forge ahead and take control of your new realities and new life that lies ahead. It’s time to get back out there and consider dating after divorce.
Dating after divorce sounds easy enough, right? After all, the movies make it look like a piece of cake. Birdee (Sandra Bullock) didn’t have a difficult time finding love again in the movie “Hope Floats” after her husband Bill (Michael Pare) left her in a humiliating Ricki Lake -style talk show style. So, why is the idea of dating after divorce so terrifying and complicated? Shouldn’t it all be unicorns and rainbows? And what can I do about it?
Getting back out there in the world as a person and as an eligible partner can be exhilarating and downright terrifying. If you are like the majority of women who are back to enter the dating ring again, thoughts may be going through your mid like: “I need to get in shape, I don’t have time to focus on this, I have kids to care for, I haven’t slept with anyone but my husband for the last 15 years, I don’t know how to date, what would I even say.” The list goes on… and we are unconsciously talking out ourselves out of dating with dismissive hands.
Well, stop it right now. You’ve got this. And, to help you find your groove again, Life Coach, Sarah Curnoles shares 6 tips to help making dating after divorce smoother.
1. Stop “SHOULDing” all over yourself.
“Should” is another “S” word that you must never say. According to Coach, Sarah Curnoles: “When you go through a divorce or separation, what’s happening is that you are separating your life from the person that you built your life with. You are basically going from a bicycle to a unicycle. And there will be some imbalance while you figure it out. Women are “SHOULDing” all over themselves… “ I should have seen this coming”, I should have done more, tried hard, been better, etc.”
“Ladies, stop making yourselves wrong. You are internalizing these thoughts, beating yourself up, and blaming yourself. This is not healthy. You cannot reenter the world of dating with self-inflicted blame and guilt. You need to love yourself, so you can move forward. “SHOULDing” all over yourself will move you backwards and stall your progress and desire to get back out there. Throw the blame and guilt out the window right now. It isn’t good for anyone. Use your new reality of being single as an opportunity for growth and personal development.” Look at dating as a way to have new experiences, try different restaurants, embrace different types of activities (like rock climbing instead of watching a movie). Challenge yourself to grow and stop “SHOULDing” all over yourself.
2. Dazzle in confidence
Stand in the Wonder Woman power pose in an outfit that makes you feel absolutely unstoppable. No, I am not kidding. Body language is a very quick signal to the world on how you are feeling. Keep those shoulders back, arms uncrossed and smile. And, yes, you must make eye contact with people.
Ditch those self-limiting beliefs. You know that I am talking about… the tiny thoughts that seem to come out of no where and hit your right in the gut causing you to second guess everything. According to Coach Sarah Curnoles, “these self-limiting beliefs feel so real and women must work through these beliefs. We have over 60,000 thoughts a day, and a belief is just one of those thoughts that you have thought a lot about – a thought that became rooted. You must break up the pattern of thoughts, so these beliefs do not feel as true.”
“Once you start to question the truth of your belief, it begins to change in shape and in the power of its hold on you. From there, you can begin to get air, breath and have space to create new thoughts that feel better and serve you more. With these better feelings, you can take better action. Changing your self-limiting beliefs is a lot like wiggling your tooth. Keep wiggling and wiggling until that tooth or those doubting and negative self limiting beliefs are yanked right out.”
Finally, just be yourself. In dating, what makes you beautiful will be different from the girl standing right next to you. Accept yourself and who you are. And, I’m serious, stand like Wonder Woman.
3. I am just scared…
I’m scared to talk to a stranger and make conversation. The thought of getting hurt is paralyzing. I’m scared things will move too quickly. Honestly, I’m simply scared of everything under the sun when it comes to dating. (sound familiar?) Really, I should just stay home and talk to my pets, they are nicer anyway…. If this sounds like you, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered!
It has been said that “fear keeps us from leading extraordinary lives.” Marilyn Monroe was quoted saying “We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” According to Eleanor Roosevelt, “you must do the thing you think you cannot do.” The list of quotes and conversations about fear are endless.
Life Coach Sarah Curnoles adds, “when it comes to dating, let’s face it, dating is a risk. Dating is scary. We are risking the thing that we want the most, which is to be loved. And to be loved means that we are also at risk for rejection. How to deal with fear is crucial.”
Scared to strike up conversation
To get over your fear of talking to others, Coach Sarah, urges you to start talking to everyone you meet – not just those who you find attractive. Make eye contact with those close to you, smile, practice saying “hello .”
“Just start a conversation, whether it is the person you catch checking you out, or the person standing next to you in line at the coffee shop. You can open with questions like: “What’s good here?” or “I am looking to try something new, what do you recommend?” These are great openers.”
“Talking with everyone builds your conversation muscle.” With a little bit of conversation banter under your belt, “when the pressure is on and you are next to someone you find attractive, it isn’t that terrifying to say hello and strike up a conversation. (After all, you talk to people all the time now, so this is no big deal, right?)”
The thought of having sex is terrifying
Yes, this is a real concern for so many women as we let our self-limiting beliefs creep in about our bodies, bedroom skills, etc. Maybe you have only been intimate with your ex-husband for the last 15 years. For some, your body isn’t quite where you would like it to be. There may be the proud battle stretch marks of having children. The list of excuses (aka reasons) goes on, but don’t let it stop you from finding your way back into the bedroom.
If, however, the date is moving too quickly along, and your man is ready to bare all while you’re still wearing turtle neck sweaters, Coach Sarah’s suggests that you very quickly “communicate your standards.” How exactly can you do that? “Women can say something like: “I appreciate you thinking of me that way, I’m just not quite there yet.” Or “I’m attracted to you, but not quite ready for that yet, let’s have a few more dates first.”
4. Explore your interests and curiosities
Coach Sarah urges women to “do things that you enjoy or feel a little bit curious about. You may have let go of some of your hobbies or interests. You may have overinvested in your children, and now is the time to start asking yourself: “What did I love to do when I was younger?” or “What was I interested in but never made it priority?.”
“Now, I am not talking about a full fledge passion project (that is not necessary) but find something that peaks your curiosity. Most importantly, look for ways to do this in a group setting. That’s right, get out of your house! If you enjoy gardening, find a gardening club. If you want to learn new kitchens skills, enroll in a cooking class. Are you a runner, try joining a group fitness class. Whatever it is that you enjoy, participate in a group setting. This will help you build your confidence, conversation muscle and who knows, you may end up finding your next dinner date within the group.
5. Work Backwards
While all of this may seem completely overwhelming, Coach Sarah, urges women to “work backwards.” “Ladies, ask yourself, “What is the end goal that I want?” Once you know the end goal, drill down on every piece of that goal. What does it look like, fee, and sound like? Goals take time and often take longer to reach than we would like. Having what you hope to accomplish broken down into chunks will help you stay focused and moving forward a little bit at a time until you reach your goals.”
6. Be kind to Yourself
You must take care of yourself and make time for things that bring you joy. This could be as simple as going for a walk, reading or enjoying a hot cup of coffee before your crazy day begins.
Coach Sarah reminds women to simply “be kind to yourself. You are going to make mistakes. In conversation, you are not going to say the perfect thing all the time. You may be a bit rusty when it comes to dating in the beginning. Be the first person to forgive yourself. Allow yourself to slow down so you can focus on you. There is no pressure or rush. Remember, you are in the perfect place at the perfect time. Things will unfold naturally.”
You’ve got this
These six tips will help you as you reenter the world of dating after divorce. Remember, stepping out of your comfort zone is scary, but you can do this. Stay positive and keep moving forward. Remember to stop “SHOULDing” all over yourself. What you “should have” done or said is in the past. Now, it is time to focus on you and the present. Remember that confidence is key. If you can’t quite seem to feel confident, fake it until you do.
Remember the small trick of standing like Wonder Woman is an outfit you feel amazing in will help to give you a little nudge forward. Polish your nails or take a few extra minutes on your hair. While it sounds silly, a fun hue on your toes and sexy beach waves in your hair go a long way. Start talking with everyone to build that conversation muscle and try something new. Rediscover a hobby or interest that has been shelved for too many years. Join groups and get out of the house. Break your goals down into smaller pieces and work backwards. Finally, be kind to yourself. Dating after divorce will take practice. Enjoy the journey.
About Life Coach, Sarah Curnoles
Life Coach, Sarah Curnoles specializes in helping women (many post-divorce) regain trust with themselves. She is the girlfriend that you didn’t know you needed, and life coach wrapped in one. She helps women process their feeling and understand the deeper motivation behind their goals and hesitations. In a supportive, no judgement environment, Sarah helps women find their direction and take action to live their best lives. Watch her interview with BMore Lifestyle: Detox your dating life.
P.S. If you live near Baltimore, Maryland, check out her “Loving It All” event on June 9th.
In cased you missed: 12 Things to Consider Before Starting a Business, an interview with Laurie Wasserman and Getting Pregnant at 40, an Interview with Lauren Roth, M.D. with Shady Grove Fertility.
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